Although he loathed and detested it, Dracula went Christmas shopping. Undoubtedly every year, he was given thoughtful and generous gifts from his dearest friends. This year he was not going to be the Grinch, even though that was his natural inclination.

For the banshee, he found a lovely cashmere shawl (if she was going to wail and scream, she might as well do it in style). Frankenstein wasn’t getting anything because he was a junkie asshole and would most definitely just sell whatever gift he received for some smack. Dracula did get the Bride a little something since he was sure Frankenstein wouldn’t bother. His choice in gifts were swift and without trepidation, all except for the ghost. Finding the gift that would be just right for her would take a bit more thought and consideration.

He ran through a mental list of all of the material things he could imagine her to ever want and although he was sure of a few, especially one in particular, he just couldn’t make that purchase.

So he bought her a blender instead.

Frankenstein had a relapse and found himself back in rehab. Dracula discovered him passed out in the bathtub at his apartment. His concern grew after a week of calling with no answer or returned messages and he went looking for his troubled friend. (That hide-a-key really did come in handy.)

The bride was finished. She chose herself.
Either way, whether Frankenstein was to be reformed or remain a junkie she would be gone. He lost her and would be alone.

And that made him sad.

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas

Frankenstein convinced Dracula to go on an impromptu midnight trip to Vegas. It went completely against his better judgement, but something mischievous inside granted him permission.

Once they arrived on the strip, without a spoken word they headed for the black jack tables and committed to win some money (not that they needed it, as the world was theirs for the taking). After a few hours, the undead duo amassed a small fortune and eventually the game lost it’s allure.

They cashed out their chips, walked with intense intention toward the casino exit and without skipping a beat, spoke the most glorious words to each other at exactly the same time, “Strip Club.”

the ghost has taken a vow of silence
dracula is on vacation (cabo is nice this time of year)
and frankenstein is just too fucking lazy to care

The alarm clock went off (James Brown Live at the Apollo) just as the sun began to rise. He rolled over and looked at the time, took a deep breath and got out of bed. The coffee was on and the shower was hot. It was the most anticipated early start to the day in a long while. Frankenstein had a new job.

He stood in his boxers, ironing his crisp new shirt and mulled over his neck tie selection. He wanted to make a statement, but didn't need to come off too flashy or cocky (yet). He settled on a striped and stylishly understated option that completed his Monday ensemble. Excited and exhilarated, he makes his way toward the front door with his briefcase in hand and a pep in his step.

It had just started, but was already a good (even great) day.

Whoa-oa-oa! I feel good, I knew that I would, now
I feel good, I knew that I would, now
So good, so good, I got you

Dracula’s services had been retained to officiate a Halloween evening wedding. The bride and groom to be agreed to pay his nightly rate and he had never had the occasion to marry a couple ever before. Besides, he was sure to land a bridesmaid before the end of the night, (maybe even two).

The happy couple had a few unusual requests for the celebration of their glorious union. First, they asked that Dracula have a live crow perched on his shoulder during the wedding (he negotiated that the crow would be optional during the reception). He was also advised that it was very important for him to conduct the ceremony in the typical “Dracula movie Transylvania accent” (how cliche). He submitted to each of their desires with the seriousness of a hired professional. Secretly, he laughed and mocked them.

Frankenstein begged Dracula to coerce the bride and groom to hire him as their DJ for the event. It wasn’t difficult to sell them on the proposal, although it was marginally irritating that he could never do anything for himself.

It wasn’t surprising. After all, Frankenstein had been riding his cape-tails for centuries.

{before the great revelation}

he had been awake for more the 36 hours. the secret had been successfully hidden for some time. he was supporting the habit with the income earned from his various appearances. on the cusp of a full reveal, frankenstein grappled with the notion that he was eventually going to be found out.

once a rather amiable fellow, he could be quite the life of the party (even with his limited vocabulary). now he was avoiding and dodging all of his closest companions. he no-showed the ghost that their regularly scheduled sunday brunch date. he hadn’t returned any of dracula’s messages in weeks.

sooner or later, they would come to know the reason for his absence.

{during the great revelation}

as the key turned and the door opened, the ghost and dracula were aghast. his apartment was a disaster. not the kind of disaster you would expect from a bachelor (he and the bride had been separated for some time), but a sight that would indicate severe emotional distress. sifting through the debris they unearthed the clues and indicators that when pieced together, told a dismal story.

the (once dark) cherry wood coffee table was stained with the heavy sprinkling of a pharmaceutic grade white powder. half crushed pills and assorted contraband were ground into the couch cushions and carpet. crumpled pieces of burnt tinfoil were scattered on top of the television and bookshelves.

it was painfully obvious; frankenstein had become a franken-junkie.

{after the great revelation}

rehab suited him. he enjoyed the confines of his new existence and held an appreciation for the ritualistic quality of his regimented schedule. it was easier to not have to make any decisions. the food was okay and he was making friends with the other patients. his therapy sessions were going well and he was encouraged by all the progress he was making.

he took a liking to his therapist. she listened to him (which is more than he could say for the bride) and filled him with a sense of renewed hope. he was working the program and was really looking forward to a more simple, sober life.

he did still feel slightly anxious and a little apprehensive about leaving. re-entering the underworld again would prove to be a challenge, filled with deliciously tempting vices. Could he really change and more importantly, did he actually want to? these were the questions that kept him up at night and were the thoughts he shared with no one.

{post rehab}

dracula picked frankenstein up the day of his discharge. he was armed with a myriad of literature on drug addition and the 24 hour line phone number to reach his therapist.

when they arrived at his home, he stepped inside a very clean and sanitized version of his once almost uninhabitable apartment. (the ghost had cleaned for days) a wave of shame and guilt filled him as he realized what his friends had witnessed.

after dracula left, he decided to unpack. 15 minutes had passed and he was at an utter loss. he had no idea what he should do with himself. he hadn’t been home for more than an hour and was already starting to itch. he knew the odds were stacked against him. he could visualize himself knocking off a Walgreens or CVS and could almost taste the unearthly bitterness that preludes the joy of being spun out on a pharmaceutical tweak.

he was so fucked. maybe he just needed some prozac.

Dracula and the Ghost cordially invite you to their
New Year's Eve Celebration Shindig!

Join us on December 31, 2009 at The Dead Souls Banquet Hall
The countdown will begin at 8:00pm and the champagne will flow all through the night

A Motown dance party with DJ Frankenstein will begin right after the midnight countdown. Be sure to bring your dancing shoes, leave your fangs at home and get ready to ring in the New Year!

Vampires can suffer from low blood sugar

Dracula caused himself to go into diabetic shock from binge eating left over Halloween candy corn. He remained unconscious for several weeks. When he finally came to, he was unaware that he had completely missed Thanksgiving. His answering machine was filled with concerned messages. Frankenstein called three times.

He returned a few calls to reassure his friends and acquaintances that he was in fact alright (still undead). He made a halfhearted attempt to clean up the stale candy corn off the floor and tossed a handful into the trash can in the kitchen.

He opened the fridge, took out a carton of spoiled milk and poured it down the drain. Expired eggs, stale bread and moldy cheese all joined the empty milk carton in the trash and then he remembered. He opened the freezer door and there is was, a giant frozen twenty pound turkey.

He stared and thought, "Well, what the fuck do I do with this?"

Angel in the Underworld

Dracula had been secretly courting an American Angel. They met at an annual conference for the Federation of Supernatural Beings and really hit it off. He hides her in a condo on the east side of the Underworld. She likes the idea of being a kept woman, especially by a man of the afterlife.

She knows that eventually she'll have to leave, but for now it feels so good to be so bad. Dracula will be heart broken when he finds out his Angel has left him for Heaven.

He won't even be able to break the lease on the condo.

+++++++++++++++

Frankenstein accepted the offer to sublet Dracula's east side condo. He had been looking around awhile for a bachelor pad. (Things hadn't been going so well with the Bride.) The legions of angry villagers after Frankenstein were sometimes less frightening than she could be.

He just needed a place to get away from it all. Life hadn't quite turned out the way he thought it would. Maybe he'll suggest couples counseling.

Alimony wasn't really an option.

+++++++++++++++

The Ghost had recently started a part time cleaning service. Her haunting business had really slowed down and she needed some supplemental income.

Dracula had hired her to tidy up around the condo once a week. (His American Angel didn't have to lift a finger.) It was an easy job for the Ghost and she enjoyed making idle conversation with the Angel (even if she seemed superficial).

Things quickly changed once Frankenstein moved in. Stray pizza boxes and empty beer cans were scattered around the living room. Dirty socks were found stuffed in between the couch cushions.

The Ghost would have to raise her rates right away.

the witching hour is an excellent excuse to pine over lost love and drink too much red wine. he knew me when there was only a little grey in my hair. i can only try to imagine the jet black i used to know.

for a good time call frankenstein.
dracula already cornered the market on true love. too bad he was only interested in mortal women. his suave trickery works best on the ladies that can still bask in the sunlight.

is it too much to ask for a single ghost to receive a little love and attention? i guess it's not my lot in afterlife.

Halloweenie

Those things go bump in the night and I wanna play too.
I’ll be the ghost and make a special appearance for one night only.

Oh nostalgia
You are so sweet
Syrupy and thick

I am the ghost and you are my Dracula.
Am I the eerie one in this picture we're painting?

Jesus, baby
Be my jack-o-lantern and light the way.
Oh Holy Father of candy corn and bubble gum, please spare the innocent.
Baby gummi bears were only fooling around and meant no harm. (or did they?)

++++++++++++++

I am the ghost.

Jesus and Dracula graciously accepted the invitation to my tea party. I will be serving a selection of chamomile, jasmine and earl grey teas. Each invited guest will have a personalized place setting and porcelain tea cup and saucer with a delicate silver spoon.

Uninvited guests will have a Styrofoam cup.
(Frankenstein never fucking RSVP’s)

+++++++++++++++

I was that ghost
Who went bump in the night

Dracula held my cold hand
He danced and frightened small children
Screaming, lurching

Flailing arms and twisting torsos
Swirling with windy chimes

We flew home part of the way, the rest we walked hand in hand.